簡介：
布魯斯．法伊勒（Bruce Feiler）有一個激進的想法：利用敏捷方式處理現代家庭生活所帶來的壓力。受到敏捷軟體發展方法的啟發，法伊勒介紹的家庭實踐包括鼓勵靈活性，從下向上提供想法，時常聆聽意見和分配責任歸屬。包括一個令人驚奇的特點：讓孩子們自己選擇懲罰方式。
Bruce Feiler has a radical idea: To deal with the stress of modern family life, go agile. Inspired by agile software programming, Feiler introduces family practices which encourage flexibility, bottom-up idea flow, constant feedback and accountability. One surprising feature: Kids pick their own punishments.
書：
意想不到的幸福家庭秘訣：跟哈佛談判專家學聰明吵架、跟巴菲特顧問學管理零用錢……輕鬆解決家庭苦惱
中英逐字稿：
我想跟大家分享一個關於家庭的好消息。 近50年來，「家庭」的意義 有了天翻地覆的改變。 我們現在有透過再婚重組的家庭、有領養家庭、 有獨立出來居住的核心家庭、 有離婚後依然同住的家庭。 雖然出現了那麼多變化，家庭還是變得更穩固。 高達八成的人認為，他們現在所處的家庭 跟他們成長的家庭一樣、或更加穩固。
So here's the good news about families. The last 50 years have seen a revolution in what it means to be a family. We have blended families, adopted families, we have nuclear families living in separate houses and divorced families living in the same house. But through it all, the family has grown stronger. Eight in 10 say the family they have today is as strong or stronger than the family they grew up in.
00:29
但同時，這裡又有一些壞消息。 幾乎每一個人都被淹沒在 家庭生活的混亂中 我所認識的每一位家長，包括我自己 總是感覺自己有解決不完的問題。 當我們的孩子換完了牙，他們開始會發脾氣。 當他們不再需要我們幫忙洗澡， 我們開始要幫他們面對網路犯罪或同儕霸凌。
Now, here's the bad news. Nearly everyone is completely overwhelmed by the chaos of family life. Every parent I know, myself included, feels like we're constantly playing defense. Just when our kids stop teething, they start having tantrums. Just when they stop needing our help taking a bath, they need our help dealing with cyberstalking or bullying.
00:48
現在，有更壞的消息要給大家。 我們的孩子覺得我們失控了。 《家庭與工作制度》的作者 Ellen Galinsky 訪問了 1000 個孩子，問他們：「假設你可以實現 一個關於你父母的願望，你會許甚麼願？」 父母以為孩子會說， 多花一點時間陪伴他們。 （笑聲） 錯了。孩子們頭號的願望是什麼？ 他們希望父母別那麼累、能放輕鬆點。
And here's the worst news of all. Our children sense we're out of control. Ellen Galinsky of the Families and Work Institute asked 1,000 children, "If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?" The parents predicted the kids would say, spending more time with them. They were wrong. The kids' number one wish? That their parents be less tired and less stressed.
01:15
既然如此，我們可以怎樣轉變這種互動？ 我們有哪一些具體的事情可以減少壓力， 讓家庭變得更親密， 讓我們的小孩面對世界時有更好的準備？
So how can we change this dynamic? Are there concrete things we can do to reduce stress, draw our family closer, and generally prepare our children to enter the world?
01:27
去年，我花了一年時間去找這個問題的答案， 走訪了不同的地方，訪問了許多家庭跟專家學者 從頂尖的談判專家、 到華倫．巴菲特的金融家、到綠扁帽部隊的軍人。 我嘗試找出快樂的家庭到底有什麼祕密 我又能從中學到什麼來讓我的家庭也能更快樂？
I spent the last few years trying to answer that question, traveling around, meeting families, talking to scholars, experts ranging from elite peace negotiators to Warren Buffett's bankers to the Green Berets. I was trying to figure out, what do happy families do right and what can I learn from them to make my family happier?
01:49
我想告訴你一個我遇見的家庭， 我想他們給了我一些線索。 一個星期天的早上 7 點鐘， 在美國愛達荷州的隱泉鎮 Starr 家的六名成員已經聚在一起 進行他們每星期的重點：家庭會議。 Starr 家是一個很典型的美國家庭 也有一些美國家庭的典型問題。 父親大衛是一名電腦軟體工程師，母親埃莉諾是家庭主婦 留在家中照顧四個 10 到 15 歲的孩子。 其中一個孩子定期到城的另一端上數學課。 另一個參加附近的長曲棍球隊。 還有一個有自閉症，另一個則有過動症。
I want to tell you about one family that I met, and why I think they offer clues. At 7 p.m. on a Sunday in Hidden Springs, Idaho, where the six members of the Starr family are sitting down to the highlight of their week: the family meeting. The Starrs are a regular American family with their share of regular American family problems. David is a software engineer. Eleanor takes care of their four children, ages 10 to 15. One of those kids tutors math on the far side of town. One has lacrosse on the near side of town. One has Asperger syndrome. One has ADHD.
02:21
埃莉諾說：「我們生活在一片混亂之中。」
"We were living in complete chaos," Eleanor said.
02:25
那麼這個家庭怎麼處理這一切？結果令人吃驚的。 他們沒有向朋友或者親友求助， 他們往大衛的職場找答案。 大衛的軟體公司 正在導入先進的敏捷開發方法 這種方法從日本的製造業傳出， 流行在矽谷的許多新創公司。 在敏捷開發方法中，人員被分成許多小組 並且把工作切割成能在較短時間內完成的型態。 因此不需要管理高層不停發號施令， 小組能有效地自主管理自己。 持續回應狀況，每天有更新進度的會議。 每個星期作一次回顧。不停依情況調整計畫。 大衛說當他們把這個系統帶進家裡面時， 家庭會議特別能增加彼此的溝通， 減少壓力，讓每個人更樂於 參與「家庭」這個團隊。 當太太和我開始採用上述家庭會議和其他技巧 在我們當時 5 歲的雙胞胎女兒身上後， 我們觀察到自從她們出生以來最大的改變。 而能產生這種效果的家庭會議 通常花不了 20 分鐘。
What the Starrs did next, though, was surprising. Instead of turning to friends or relatives, they looked to David's workplace. They turned to a cutting-edge program called agile development that was just spreading from manufacturers in Japan to startups in Silicon Valley. In agile, workers are organized into small groups and do things in very short spans of time. So instead of having executives issue grand proclamations, the team in effect manages itself. You have constant feedback. You have daily update sessions. You have weekly reviews. You're constantly changing. David said when they brought this system into their home, the family meetings in particular increased communication, decreased stress, and made everybody happier to be part of the family team. When my wife and I adopted these family meetings and other techniques into the lives of our then-five-year-old twin daughters, it was the biggest single change we made since our daughters were born. And these meetings had this effect while taking under 20 minutes.
03:28
什麼是敏捷方法？ 它怎能應用在家庭？ 畢竟軟體開發與家庭是很不一樣的兩件事 1983年，Jeff Sutherland 是一名科技專業人員 為新英格蘭的一所財務公司工作。 他對當時軟體開發方式感到沮喪。 當時大多採用瀑布式開發流程，對吧 主管從上發號司令，透過沒有效率的行政流程 指揮程式設計師， 沒人直接諮詢程式設計師的意見。 結果，83％ 的計畫都以失敗告終。 計畫完成時，軟體不是缺乏可用性、 就是早就已經過時。 Sutherland 想創造一個系統 讓構思可以從下而上傳遞，而非總是往下滲透， 而且可以在需要時隨時調整。 他閱讀了過去 30 年的哈佛商業評論， 偶然發現一篇 1986 年的文章 題為「新, 新產品開發競賽」。 裡面說商業的步調正在加快 -- 提醒你這可是在 1986 年 -- 能採取彈性作法才能成為最成功的公司。 文章特別點出 TOYOTA 與 Canon 把他們靈活又緊密的團隊比喻成橄欖球陣型。 Sutherland 告訴我，他們當時一看到這篇文章， 就知道「這正是我們要的」 在 Sutherland 的系統裡， 公司不把事情規劃成耗時兩年的龐大計畫。 他們把事情分散成小塊來做。 沒有單一工作需要超過兩周完成。 他們不說：「現在躲起來埋頭工作， 直到你們做出最新手機或是另一個社交網路。」 而說：「你先做出一個可用的東西， 然後拿出來讓大家討論，看看需不需要調整。」 你能很快知道事情到底行不行得通。 現在，敏捷方法已經在超過一百個國家被採用， 甚至推入管理領域。 無可避免地，人們開始吸收其中一些技巧 並引入他們的家庭當中。 你可以在部落格找到資料，還有人出版實用手冊。 Sutherland 家的人甚至告訴我 他們用敏捷方法過感恩節， 他們安排了一個小組負責食物， 一組佈置餐桌，一組在大門口迎接來賓。 Sutherland 表示那是最令人滿意的感恩節。
So what is Agile, and why can it help with something that seems so different, like families? In 1983, Jeff Sutherland was a technologist at a financial firm in New England. He was very frustrated with how software got designed. Companies followed the waterfall method, right, in which executives issued orders that slowly trickled down to programmers below, and no one had ever consulted the programmers. Eighty-three percent of projects failed. They were too bloated or too out of date by the time they were done. Sutherland wanted to create a system where ideas didn't just percolate down but could percolate up from the bottom and be adjusted in real time. He read 30 years of Harvard Business Review before stumbling upon an article in 1986 called "The New New Product Development Game." It said that the pace of business was quickening -- and by the way, this was in 1986 -- and the most successful companies were flexible. It highlighted Toyota and Canon and likened their adaptable, tight-knit teams to rugby scrums. As Sutherland told me, we got to that article, and said, "That's it." In Sutherland's system, companies don't use large, massive projects that take two years. They do things in small chunks. Nothing takes longer than two weeks. So instead of saying, "You guys go off into that bunker and come back with a cell phone or a social network," you say, "You go off and come up with one element, then bring it back. Let's talk about it. Let's adapt." You succeed or fail quickly. Today, agile is used in a hundred countries, and it's sweeping into management suites. Inevitably, people began taking some of these techniques and applying it to their families. You had blogs pop up, and some manuals were written. Even the Sutherlands told me that they had an Agile Thanksgiving, where you had one group of people working on the food, one setting the table, and one greeting visitors at the door. Sutherland said it was the best Thanksgiving ever.
05:24
現在我們從家庭所面對的問題中挑一個， 「早晨的瘋狂忙亂」，談談如何運用敏捷方法解決。 重點是分工並完全負責（當責）， 成員使用「資訊輻射器」， 也就是寫上每個人責任與進度的大片書寫板。 Starr 家採取了這套方法， 建立了一份晨間工作清單 每一個小孩都要完成他們在清單上的工作。 在我去探訪的早上，埃莉諾剛從樓上下來， 她為自己倒了一杯咖啡，坐在一張斜背椅上， 她坐在那裡， 輕聲跟她每一個小孩子說話 看著他們陸續下樓， 小孩檢查自己的清單，做自己的早餐， 再檢查清單，把自己的餐具放到洗碗機裡， 接著檢查清單，完成餵寵物等各自該負責的工作。 最後檢查清單，確認自己該帶的東西 然後出門搭車。 那是我見過最棒的家庭互動模式。
So let's take one problem that families face, crazy mornings, and talk about how agile can help. A key plank is accountability, so teams use information radiators, these large boards in which everybody is accountable. So the Starrs, in adapting this to their home, created a morning checklist in which each child is expected to tick off chores. So on the morning I visited, Eleanor came downstairs, poured herself a cup of coffee, sat in a reclining chair, and she sat there, kind of amiably talking to each of her children as one after the other they came downstairs, checked the list, made themselves breakfast, checked the list again, put the dishes in the dishwasher, rechecked the list, fed the pets or whatever chores they had, checked the list once more, gathered their belongings, and made their way to the bus. It was one of the most astonishing family dynamics I have ever seen.
06:14
當我努力地表示這永遠不會在我們家出現，
我們的孩子需要督促，
埃莉諾看著我。
她說：「我以前也是這樣想， 我告訴大衛：『不要在我的廚房裡搞你哪一套。』， 但，我錯了。」
And when I strenuously objected this would never work in our house,
our kids needed way too much monitoring,
Eleanor looked at me.
"That's what I thought," she said. "I told David, 'keep your work out of my kitchen.' But I was wrong."
06:26
我轉向大衛：「這是怎麼辦到的？」
他說：「你不能低估這個的力量。」 他接著做了一個打勾的動作。 他說：「職場中，成年人都很喜歡它。 小孩更覺得它妙極了。」
So I turned to David: "So why does it work?"
He said, "You can't underestimate the power of doing this." And he made a checkmark. He said, "In the workplace, adults love it. With kids, it's heaven."
06:37
那個星期，我們在家裡實行我們自己的晨間清單， 它有效降低 50% 父母尖叫率。 （笑聲） 但真正的改變，在我們舉行了家庭會議後才慢慢出現。 跟隨敏捷方法的模式，我們問自己三個問題： 在這個星期，家裡有甚麼事情做得很好？ 甚麼事情做得不好？我們下個星期要怎麼改善？ 每一個人都提出了建議， 然後，我們挑了兩個來集中討論。 突然之間，最美妙的話自我們女兒的嘴巴說出來。 我們這個星期有什麼做得很好？ 「我們不再怕騎單車跌倒，我們自己舖床。」 有什麼還需要改善？「我們的算數作業， 或者是在門口要跟別人問好。」 像很多父母，我們認為小孩有時候像百慕達三角一樣神秘。 跟他們分享想法，往往有進無出，得不到回應， 至少他們都沒有表達出來。 家庭會議讓我們突然能夠接觸到他們內在的想法。 但最令人驚訝的事情發生在我們開始討論 「我們接下來這個星期要怎麼改善？」時。 在敏捷方法裡的核心想法是 團隊本質上是自己管理自己， 這一條能在軟體開發上運作，竟然對小孩子也有效。 我們的孩子很愛這個過程。 所以，他們會提出很多很好的點子。 「這個星期，我們要給五個訪客打招呼， 在睡前多加十分鐘的閱讀。」 「踢人的話，會失去一個月的所有甜點。」 我們家的女孩曾是小霸王， 我們以前必須不停矯正他們的行為。 現在呢 -- 雖然很自然地， 她們在會議上的承諾，與實際的表現會有落差 -- 但事實上這沒有關係。 我們像是鋪設了某種地下電纜一般， 幾年後終會發揮作用，照亮他們的世界。
The week we introduced a morning checklist into our house, it cut parental screaming in half. (Laughter) But the real change didn't come until we had these family meetings. So following the agile model, we ask three questions: What worked well in our family this week, what didn't work well, and what will we agree to work on in the week ahead? Everyone throws out suggestions and then we pick two to focus on. And suddenly the most amazing things started coming out of our daughters' mouths. What worked well this week? Getting over our fear of riding bikes. Making our beds. What didn't work well? Our math sheets, or greeting visitors at the door. Like a lot of parents, our kids are something like Bermuda Triangles. Like, thoughts and ideas go in, but none ever comes out, I mean at least not that are revealing. This gave us access suddenly to their innermost thoughts. But the most surprising part was when we turned to, what are we going to work on in the week ahead? You know, the key idea of agile is that teams essentially manage themselves, and it works in software and it turns out that it works with kids. Our kids love this process. So they would come up with all these ideas. You know, greet five visitors at the door this week, get an extra 10 minutes of reading before bed. Kick someone, lose desserts for a month. It turns out, by the way, our girls are little Stalins. We constantly have to kind of dial them back. Now look, naturally there's a gap between their kind of conduct in these meetings and their behavior the rest of the week, but the truth is it didn't really bother us. It felt like we were kind of laying these underground cables that wouldn't light up their world for many years to come.
08:08
三年後，我們的女兒現在已經八歲了。 我們還繼續舉行家庭會議。 我太太認為這些會議是她當媽媽所擁有最寶貴的時刻。
Three years later -- our girls are almost eight now -- We're still holding these meetings. My wife counts them among her most treasured moments as a mom.
08:18
所以，我們到底學到了什麼？ 2001年，敏捷方法 (Agile) 這個詞正式收錄進辭典 當時 Jeff Sutherland 和一批系統設計師 在猶他州見面，並一起寫下十二點敏捷開發方法的宣言。 我想也是時候讓我們寫下家用敏捷方法的宣言。 我從 Starr 家和一些我曾經碰面的家庭得到了一些意見。 我提出三個重點。
So what did we learn? The word "agile" entered the lexicon in 2001 when Jeff Sutherland and a group of designers met in Utah and wrote a 12-point Agile Manifesto. I think the time is right for an Agile Family Manifesto. I've taken some ideas from the Starrs and from many other families I met. I'm proposing three planks.
08:38
重點一：隨機應變。
Plank number one: Adapt all the time.
08:42
當我開始為人父，我發現 我們會訂一些規矩，而且希望嚴格地執行。 這假設了我們作父母的，可以預知有哪些問題會出現。 事實上，我們並不能。 敏捷系統偉大的地方在於 你建立了一個變動系統 使你可以視情況馬上做出反應。 就像他們在網路世界裡說的： 如果六個月來你都在做同一件事情， 這表示你做錯了。 父母親可以從中學到很多事情。 對我來說，「隨機應變」有更深的意義。 我們一定要打破一個根深蒂固的想法 認為我們只能在家裡面嘗試 那些來自精神科醫師、大師 或其他家庭關係專家們的意見。 事實上，他們的想法都過時了， 相反的，其它領域有很多新想法 可以讓小組和團隊有效地運作。
When I became a parent, I figured, you know what? We'll set a few rules and we'll stick to them. That assumes, as parents, we can anticipate every problem that's going to arise. We can't. What's great about the agile system is you build in a system of change so that you can react to what's happening to you in real time. It's like they say in the Internet world: if you're doing the same thing today you were doing six months ago, you're doing the wrong thing. Parents can learn a lot from that. But to me, "adapt all the time" means something deeper, too. We have to break parents out of this straitjacket that the only ideas we can try at home are ones that come from shrinks or self-help gurus or other family experts. The truth is, their ideas are stale, whereas in all these other worlds there are these new ideas to make groups and teams work effectively.
09:29
讓我們舉一些例子。 我們拿一般家庭最大的問題來講一下：家庭晚餐。 每一個人都知道，跟你的小孩一起晚餐 對小孩很重要。 不過，對於我們大部分人來說，這實在困難。 我曾遇見的一位新紐奧良的著名廚師卻說， 「沒問題，我只需要調整我們家庭聚餐時間就行。 沒辦法出席家庭晚餐？ 改成家庭早餐如何，也可以在睡前來個點心時間。 或是把星期天的聚餐變得更重要。」 事實上，最近一些調查也在支持他的說法。 研究發現，在家庭聚餐的場合裡， 只有 10 分鐘能發揮功用。 其它時間只充斥「手肘離開桌子」與「遞蕃茄漿給我」。 所以你可以找出 10 分鐘的時間好好經營， 不管用哪個時段，效果會一樣好。 彈性調整家庭聚餐時間，就是所謂的隨機應變。
Let's just take a few examples. Let's take the biggest issue of all: family dinner. Everybody knows that having family dinner with your children is good for the kids. But for so many of us, it doesn't work in our lives. I met a celebrity chef in New Orleans who said, "No problem, I'll just time-shift family dinner. I'm not home, can't make family dinner? We'll have family breakfast. We'll meet for a bedtime snack. We'll make Sunday meals more important." And the truth is, recent research backs him up. It turns out there's only 10 minutes of productive time in any family meal. The rest of it's taken up with "take your elbows off the table" and "pass the ketchup." You can take that 10 minutes and move it to any part of the day and have the same benefit. So time-shift family dinner. That's adaptability.
10:14
有一個環境心理學家告訴我， 「若你坐在一張堅硬的椅子上， 你也會變得比較生硬。 如果你坐在一張舒服的椅子上，你會容易敞開心胸。」 她還告訴我：「你在教導你的孩子的時候， 坐在一張挺直但舒服的椅子上， 你們的對話會進行得更順利。」 我太太和我會在討論嚴肅話題時，調整我們的座位 因為我慣有的座位較高，會顯得強勢。 調整座位，也是所謂的隨機應變。
An environmental psychologist told me, "If you're sitting in a hard chair on a rigid surface, you'll be more rigid. If you're sitting on a cushioned chair, you'll be more open." She told me, "When you're discipling your children, sit in an upright chair with a cushioned surface. The conversation will go better." My wife and I actually moved where we sit for difficult conversations because I was sitting above in the power position. So move where you sit. That's adaptability.
10:41
重點在於有很多我們尚未知道的好點子。 父母要能夠結合這些新想法才行。 因此，重點一：隨機應變。 保持彈性、開放，讓最好的想法發揮作用。
The point is there are all these new ideas out there. We've got to hook them up with parents. So plank number one: Adapt all the time. Be flexible, be open-minded, let the best ideas win.
10:54
重點二：授權你的小孩自主。 父母親的本能是下指令給小孩。 這樣比較簡單，而且坦白說， 我們通常都是對的。 這也是為何家庭最終比其它系統更傾向 形成瀑布式管理的原因之一。 但我們學到最大的一個教訓就是 盡量改變家庭由上而下指揮的模式。 讓孩子們在成長中掌控自己。 昨天，我們又像平常一樣舉行家庭會議， 我們對情緒過度這件事情上投了票。 我們說「好，我們規定一個獎勵和一個懲罰，好嗎？」 其中一個女兒提出，每個禮拜有五分鐘過度反應的時間。 我們覺得這不錯。 但另外一個女兒進一步改進系統。 她說「那我應該要一次5分鐘的還是 10次30秒的情緒過度？」 我喜歡這主意。你可以自由分配你的額度。 「好！那關於懲罰的部分呢？」 「若我們以15分鐘的情緒過度時間作限 超過這個限制每一分鐘，處罰一個伏地挺身。」 你看，這是她們願意接受的方式，也不寬縱。 這樣，父母的權威可以保留。 但我們需要讓她們有學習獨立的空間， 這應該是我們的最終目標。 今天晚上，當我要出門來參加這個聚會時， 我其中的一個女兒開始尖叫起來。 另外一個開始說，「情緒過度！情緒過度！」” 並且開始點算時間，十秒鐘之內尖叫就停止了。 對我來說，這是 Agile 奇蹟的見證。 （笑聲）（掌聲） 順帶一提，研究也支持此一觀點。 讓孩子計畫自己的目標、設定每個星期行程， 並且自我評估成果，能增強他們大腦額葉皮層的發展， 也讓他們更能掌握自己的人生。 重點是，要讓孩子們在他們自己努力下成功， 當然，有時候，也在他們自己的努力下失敗。 我曾跟一位華倫．巴菲特的金融家談話， 他指責我不讓孩子 嘗試管理自己的零用錢。 我回答：如果他們亂花呢？ 他說，「這堂課在只有 6 美金零用錢的時候學， 總比在年薪六萬美金， 或是繼承六百萬遺產的時候學來得好」 總歸一句話，授權你的孩子自主。
Plank number two: Empower your children. Our instinct as parents is to order our kids around. It's easier, and frankly, we're usually right. There's a reason that few systems have been more waterfall over time than the family. But the single biggest lesson we learned is to reverse the waterfall as much as possible. Enlist the children in their own upbringing. Just yesterday, we were having our family meeting, and we had voted to work on overreacting. So we said, "Okay, give us a reward and give us a punishment. Okay?" So one of my daughters threw out, you get five minutes of overreacting time all week. So we kind of liked that. But then her sister started working the system. She said, "Do I get one five-minute overreaction or can I get 10 30-second overreactions?" I loved that. Spend the time however you want. Now give us a punishment. Okay. If we get 15 minutes of overreaction time, that's the limit. Every minute above that, we have to do one pushup. So you see, this is working. Now look, this system isn't lax. There's plenty of parental authority going on. But we're giving them practice becoming independent, which of course is our ultimate goal. Just as I was leaving to come here tonight, one of my daughters started screaming. The other one said, "Overreaction! Overreaction!" and started counting, and within 10 seconds it had ended. To me that is a certified agile miracle. (Laughter) (Applause) And by the way, research backs this up too. Children who plan their own goals, set weekly schedules, evaluate their own work build up their frontal cortex and take more control over their lives. The point is, we have to let our children succeed on their own terms, and yes, on occasion, fail on their own terms. I was talking to Warren Buffett's banker, and he was chiding me for not letting my children make mistakes with their allowance. And I said, "But what if they drive into a ditch?" He said, "It's much better to drive into a ditch with a $6 allowance than a $60,000-a-year salary or a $6 million inheritance." So the bottom line is, empower your children.
13:01
重點三：分享你自己的故事。 保持彈性是好的，但我們還是需要有基礎。 《從優秀到卓越》的作者柯林斯 告訴我一件事情，任何成功的組織 都有兩個共同點： 他們有核心理念，同時刺激發展。 Agile 在刺激發展這一點上效果卓越， 但我不斷被提醒，必須注意保留核心理念。 怎樣才能做到？ Collins 引導我們進行一項 很多企業也進行的活動 -- 定義使命 (mission) 並且界定核心價值。 他帶領我們創立我們的「家庭宗旨」。 我們等於進行了個家庭版的企業反思。 我們舉行了一個睡衣派對。 我負責爆米花。實際上我燒壞第一個，弄了兩次才成功。 我太太買了活動掛圖。 我們的對話很棒，像是，對我們來說什麼是重要的？ 甚麼是我們堅持的價值？ 最後，我們總結了 10 條宣言。 -- 我們喜歡旅行，不是遊客。 -- 我們不喜歡困境。我們喜歡解決問題。 再強調一次，研究顯示父母應該 少花時間擔心正錯誤行為 而專注在鼓勵孩子們的正面行為， 少擔心不好的時刻，積極建立好時光。 家庭宗旨是個很好的工具 能界定你做的哪些是對的。
Plank number three: Tell your story. Adaptability is fine, but we also need bedrock. Jim Collins, the author of "Good To Great," told me that successful human organizations of any kind have two things in common: they preserve the core, they stimulate progress. So agile is great for stimulating progress, but I kept hearing time and again, you need to preserve the core. So how do you do that? Collins coached us on doing something that businesses do, which is define your mission and identify your core values. So he led us through the process of creating a family mission statement. We did the family equivalent of a corporate retreat. We had a pajama party. I made popcorn. Actually, I burned one, so I made two. My wife bought a flip chart. And we had this great conversation, like, what's important to us? What values do we most uphold? And we ended up with 10 statements. We are travelers, not tourists. We don't like dilemmas. We like solutions. Again, research shows that parents should spend less time worrying about what they do wrong and more time focusing on what they do right, worry less about the bad times and build up the good times. This family mission statement is a great way to identify what it is that you do right.
14:17
幾個星期後，我們收到學校的電話。 我們的一個女兒與人發生了爭執。 我們突然開始擔心，如果我們的女兒是個惡棍怎麼辦？ 我們但是並不知道要怎麼辦， 所以我們把她叫到了我的書房。 家庭宗旨就掛在牆上， 我的妻子問，「這個情況可能違反了哪條宗旨？」 我們的女兒看了一下列表，說， 「團結眾人？」 對話就這樣順利的開始了。
A few weeks later, we got a call from the school. One of our daughters had gotten into a spat. And suddenly we were worried, like, do we have a mean girl on our hands? And we didn't really know what to do, so we called her into my office. The family mission statement was on the wall, and my wife said, "So, anything up there seem to apply?" And she kind of looked down the list, and she said, "Bring people together?" Suddenly we had a way into the conversation.
14:39
另外一個說故事的方法 是告訴你的孩子他們從哪裡來。 艾默理大學的研究員給了孩子們一個簡單的 「你知道什麼」的測試。 -- 你知道你的祖父祖母在哪裡出生嗎？ -- 你知道你父母在哪裡上的高中嗎？ -- 你知道你的家庭成員中 誰有過困難時期，生病了又戰勝了病魔？ 那些在這個測試得到最高分的孩子們 有最強的自信，也更自覺能控制自己的生活。 這個「你知道什麼」測試用以預測 心理健康和幸福相當準確。 這個研究的作者告訴我， 這些感覺到自己是更大的故事裡的一部分的孩子們 有更強的自信。 所以我最後一個重點是，講述你的故事。 花一些時間多講幾次你的家庭愉快的故事 和怎樣克服困難的故事。 如果你的孩子能得到這個快樂的論述， 你就給了他們讓自己活得更快樂的工具。
Another great way to tell your story is to tell your children where they came from. Researchers at Emory gave children a simple "what do you know" test. Do you know where your grandparents were born? Do you know where your parents went to high school? Do you know anybody in your family who had a difficult situation, an illness, and they overcame it? The children who scored highest on this "do you know" scale had the highest self-esteem and a greater sense they could control their lives. The "do you know" test was the single biggest predictor of emotional health and happiness. As the author of the study told me, children who have a sense of -- they're part of a larger narrative have greater self-confidence. So my final plank is, tell your story. Spend time retelling the story of your family's positive moments and how you overcame the negative ones. If you give children this happy narrative, you give them the tools to make themselves happier.
15:40
我十幾歲的時候第一次讀《安妮．卡列尼娜》 (俄國文豪托爾斯泰作品) 在她著名的開端句子裡寫著， 「所有開心的家庭都很像。 不幸的家庭各有各的不幸。」 當我第一次讀到這個，我想，「這沒道理。 開心的家庭當然不會一樣。」 當我開始這個計畫的時候， 我的想法開始改變。 近期的學術研究讓我們第一次 能夠辨別出成功家庭 普遍具備的要素。 我今天只談到了三點： 隨機應變、授權你的小孩、講述你的故事。 這麼多年後，可不可以說托爾斯泰是對的？ 答案，我相信，是可以。 當列夫．托爾斯泰五歲大的時候， 他的哥哥尼古拉來到他面前 說他有一個有關全世界的快樂的祕密 那是一根小小的綠色魔棒，它藏在 他們俄羅斯莊園附近的深谷裡。 如果可以找到那一枝綠色魔棒，全人類都會變的很快樂。 托爾斯泰便一直在尋找這個綠色魔棒，但始終沒有找到 甚至，他要求要葬在那個他認為是埋藏地的深谷 至今，他依然躺在那裡，被一塊綠草如茵的草地覆蓋著。 我被這個故事深深的打動了 我學到的是： 我們不能找到快樂， 有些時候，我們得去創造快樂。 差不多每一個看過運作良好組織的人 都會得到類似這樣的結論。 偉大並不會因情況改變。 它是一個選擇。 你不需要做一些很大的計畫，也不需要瀑布式運作。 你只需要一步一步的慢慢來， 累積小的成功經驗， 朝向這一枝綠色魔棒走去。 最後，為各位總結最重要的一課。 什麼是快樂家庭的祕密？就是「不斷嘗試」！
I was a teenager when I first read "Anna Karenina" and its famous opening sentence, "All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." When I first read that, I thought, "That sentence is inane. Of course all happy families aren't alike." But as I began working on this project, I began changing my mind. Recent scholarship has allowed us, for the first time, to identify the building blocks that successful families have. I've mentioned just three here today: Adapt all the time, empower the children, tell your story. Is it possible, all these years later, to say Tolstoy was right? The answer, I believe, is yes. When Leo Tolstoy was five years old, his brother Nikolay came to him and said he had engraved the secret to universal happiness on a little green stick, which he had hidden in a ravine on the family's estate in Russia. If the stick were ever found, all humankind would be happy. Tolstoy became consumed with that stick, but he never found it. In fact, he asked to be buried in that ravine where he thought it was hidden. He still lies there today, covered in a layer of green grass. That story perfectly captures for me the final lesson that I learned: Happiness is not something we find, it's something we make. Almost anybody who's looked at well-run organizations has come to pretty much the same conclusion. Greatness is not a matter of circumstance. It's a matter of choice. You don't need some grand plan. You don't need a waterfall. You just need to take small steps, accumulate small wins, keep reaching for that green stick. In the end, this may be the greatest lesson of all. What's the secret to a happy family? Try.
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